Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
that colleague who touches your screen
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.