So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
We all have our pet causes.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome