@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

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@Tmoney68

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@imence2

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

@krisv_723

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@yobrah_

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@citizenkawala

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

@BigJDubz

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”