Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.


[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”


Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.


Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.


I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank


Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this


Hotel California reviews

“Such a lovely place”

“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

“Can’t leave”