I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
Never underestimate the power of the web.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed