@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

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@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

@_4kidscrazy

Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?

@MikeBigby

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@UnIxphysco

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed