Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird