Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me


I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich


“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.


[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now


If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.


My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.


Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.


HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin