Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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