*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.


I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.


If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.


(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?


(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.


That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”


One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.


Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.