*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.