*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that