*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.