*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

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At the grocery store yesterday I saw at least 20 people buy massive amounts of toilet paper, pay with debit cards, use the PIN pads, and then touch their faces. All I’m saying is at least the dinosaurs had an excuse


Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”


This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?


Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt


Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.


HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one


To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR


Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.