*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.


My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.


“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.


Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet


Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.


“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.


When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy


If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name


My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”