*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY