Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
seriously you guys
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.