Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
my name if I was in the mob