Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
January has been Januweary
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?