CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
🤣🤣🤣
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.