Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.