Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Aight bet
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
This story is comedy gold 😂
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life