Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.