clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.