The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
C:how long God
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.