@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

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@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say

@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@Darlainky

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.