CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.