Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.