@PleaseBeGneiss

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

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@Jeffwni

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

@thequeensheart

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@gregreckons

Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

@frogshack

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

@wildethingy

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.