Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.