Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
seems like a niche market
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once