Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
no such thing as a dumb question
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.