@WAPratt

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

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@hexprax

hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either

@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

@sheseemslegit

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@Parkerlawyer

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’

@qwertygirl

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

@AlyssaDiSalle

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.