hi senator, yeah it’s me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don’t want to be killed this way either
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.