“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
liiiiiiiiike
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.