@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

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@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@TattleTSister

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@_NTFG_

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

@AndyJokedAgain

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship