I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.