@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

?
me: it needs a belt right?

@iwearaonesie

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@ItsyBitsySwagg

Brain : I’ll sleep early tonight

Internet : Hahaha
TV : Hahaha
Books : Hahaha
Insomnia : Hahaha

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@FattMernandez

I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.