If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I don’t make the rules sorry
when revenge coincides with naptime
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.