*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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Holy crap this is wonderful
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
dads on road-trips be like
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school