[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or