*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me