CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I had to Stop for this
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.