CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke

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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂


Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.


“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings


People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library


Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.


The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.


When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.


DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea