@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

@EJGomez

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.

My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB

@Swishergirl24

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

@TweetPotato314

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

@winosaurusmom

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.