Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The game has officially changed 😎
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.