Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.
My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.