Clients after you give them your rates
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?