*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Brain: stop eating!
B: you’ll get fat
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!