@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

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@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@Jettalea

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

@daddydoubts

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

@stuartfiddle

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@MissSassy_Pants

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*