Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*