I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?