Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver


teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot


Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.


My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.


REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!


By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?


Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now



So, why do you want to be a judge?

*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”


Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.