@TheDeducers

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

@pant_leg

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

@CodyJP9412

REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

@pilau

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

@sweet_pea707

*interview*

So, why do you want to be a judge?

*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.