Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: You’ve changed
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
So, why do you want to be a judge?
*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.