Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
it must be school picture day
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?