Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
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My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
first you must answer his riddles
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Always the vampires
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian