Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Cake safety first. Always.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My life in a nutshell
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest