[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.