*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
lol
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.