To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”
How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?
(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]
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Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”
“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*
ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me
in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry