(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.


How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.


[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak


i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read


You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking


the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks