The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
i- i did not expect this
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Room with a view.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*