(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

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To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?


Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.


“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”


I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.


Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache


[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*

ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me


in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’


Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry