[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.