[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?