@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

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@Cavspc

Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

@DamienFahey

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

@_coryrichardson

her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea

[later]

her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika

@iwearaonesie

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

@Pirate_nurse

I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added

“Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer”

In my prayers

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.