Today I have been sober for 100 days.
Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom
me: good idea
her: what is this on the bed
me: *seductively* paprika
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added
“Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer”
In my prayers
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.