*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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dutch is not a serious language
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Thursday
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid