[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.