My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower