Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Just me and my debit card against the world
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?