[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…